thinking like a river -- females only

i am made of crystals and love. i am afraid of myself. i feel like jessa. she checks herself into rehab and then resists and criticizes the whole thing, thinking she is above it. upon first viewing, i didnt really truly see myself and my character in her actions or behaviors. but i wanted to. and now, i see that i had that exact same mindset. i put down the bottle. i identified that i had a problem. i recognized that i am an addict. and i thought that was enough. "why are we all here trying to competitively get it up for each other? i figured my shit out when i was like, five years old." thats how i navigated so much of my sobriety until now. i was able to put down the bottle by myself, ive been in therapy every week since i was 11, i figured my shit out. but not being drunk anymore is only part of it. i wasnt approaching recovery with an open heart and an open mind, i was so stuck in my experience that i couldnt realize the experiences of others were put there for us to learn and grow and connect. i went to another meeting tonite. my colleague offered to go with me, and he picked me up and we started driving. i didn't say anything for the first bit of our car ride. the sun visor on the passenger side was down. i was overthinking it. i asked him why he was going to these meetings. he wants to be a mentor. he hasnt even worked the program, because he doesnt even need to. i quickly realized that i didn't want him at the meeting. i told him that, and asked to be dropped off so i could go by myself. he obliged. i resisted telling him not to take it personally, because it was entirely personal. i feel emotionally constipated when im around him. i dont feel like i can be myself. it feels awful, its draining. and i think he can see that. i knew i wouldnt be able to get anything out of the meeting if he was there. so i went alone. walking in an hour late and by myself was terrifying. but i knew i was in the right place. they all welcomed me with open arms and open heart. i shared with the group the realization i had that although i am sober, i am not recovered. i seek to fill the void in other ways. i havent truly addressed the issue, decoded my addiction. and for a while i convinced myself that i had. but ive largely been distracting myself by filling the void with love and attention (my addiction thinks theyre the same thing). ive never felt so seen by a room of strangers. i knew i did the right thing coming alone. i went to mcdonalds with soctt after to check in about our weeks, since the eclipse brought about great waves for both of us. and his waves made me realize how small potatoes my problems are. its not my atory to tell, so ill refrain from any details. but it take a truly miraculous person to be in the circumstances soctt found himself in, and choose the higher road. talking to him made me realize how small and solvable my problems are in the grand scheme of things. im gonna be okay. this is normal. i almost felt embarrassed to share because of how insignificant it all felt suddenly.i feel so blessed to have met scott. i wouldnt have started going to meetings again because i was too afraid. afraid of myself. afraid of truth. afraid of failure. as scott andd i talked over coffee and chicken nuggets in the mcodnalds dining room, another patron approached us. he had overheard our conversation and it reminded him of a passage from the bible, so he wrote it on a piece of paper and gave it to us. it felt like a very literal higher power was speaking to me, and telling me i was in the right place at the right time. i am only 23. i am a baby on this earth, and i am so grateful to be here. i cant wait to see who i become a year from now. i wonder what she would think of all of this? i cant wait to meet her. my eyes are heavy. i am sleepy, i am grateful, and it will get better. it always does for me. i believe in luck, and its on my side.